How to Give a Cat Some Medicine and Take Care of the Inevitable Injuries

Cats are demonic little creatures, but you can’t tell this from their cute, fluffy exterior, and never is this more evident then when you try to give them medicine. Hopefully if you follow the directions in this essay, giving your cat, Fluffy, her medicine will go well and you’ll escape without any life threatening injuries and be able to take care of the ones you get.
First you will need a demonic cat, some kind of medicine, assistant, medical kit, gloves, and amazing health insurance. For the medicine, only use what the vet has prescribed. Your assistant should be unwitting, and a friend you don’t mind losing or a relative who owes you money. The medical kit – next to the insurance- is the most important of your supplies. In it you will need sterile bandages, disinfectant, a suture kit, and a tranquilizer (for you). The gloves should be workman quality leather with a lifetime insurance for durability. Last but not least is the health insurance which should cover tetanus and rabies shots as well as trauma, and psychiatric counseling. Optional equipment may include: duct tape, rope, big hammer, chainsaw, cattle prod, crowbar, and all purpose stain remover. Now you’re as ready as you’ll ever be.
Fluffy, your cute, tiny self-proclaimed princess, will be hard to get if she thinks something’s up, so act like everything’s normal and get out her favorite glooky canned cat food so she’ll come to you. When she does, grab her by the scruff with your gloved hand, and quickly hand it to the unwitting assistant. Get assistant to lie on cat to immobilize it. By now both you and your assistant may have noticed some changes in Fluffy’s behavior and looks, like the blood –red eye’s, sparks coming off its fur, and the apocalyptic howling that’s somehow issuing from its tiny throat, ( you will have forewarned your neighbors that you are trying to medicate your cat and that it will probably make a racket, and most of them, from past experience will go on vacation) and your assistant will be looking at you with pleading eyes. You may find it necessary to reassure the assistant that the bleeding will soon stop, and that the thing underneath him is still Fluffy and not the reincarnation of Lucifer. Measure out the correct dosage of medicine, and while you’re doing this the cat will probably close its mouth very tightly. Next try to pry open cat’s mouth with gloved hand. If this doesn’t work use the crowbar. Hold open the cat’s mouth and shove down medicine. After the demon, I mean cat has swallowed medicine get assistant to quickly let go of cat. Both of you should now probably run for it! Leave the house for a while and let the little possessed cat calm down.
Tend to your and your assistant’s wounds by disinfecting and cleaning them. Then wrap them in the sterile bandages. For more serious wounds suture them then wrap them. Your assistant may need a tranquilizer while you drive him to the hospital to get your rabies and tetanus shots, and quite possibly psychiatric counseling for trauma received while giving cute, little Fluffy her medicine. After an hour it should be safe to go home. Drop off your poor assistant at his house then go home yourself.
Fluffy should be back to normal by the time you get back, but remember when your petting your cute, purring, little kitty that somewhere in the back of its mind there’s a burning ember for revenge. Sleep easy (yeah right/ watch out for that next hairball). Next time you may plead with the vet to give the cat the medicine she or he prescribed, but like you she or he will not want to give a cat some medicine.